A Wonderful Day in the Neighborhood!

Dear Neighbors,

Thank you so much for our warm welcome to the neighborhood! It's been so great to know that we have friendly neighbors who are genuinely nice people who care about one another enough to leave each other alone in their proper spheres. What a relief! We all know how busy-bodies are my biggest pet peeve on the planet next to stupid people, so all my fears have been alleviated.

Well, except for one or two things. You see, ever since we moved in there has been an ever-growing amount of dog feces left on the common green space - otherwise known as a yard to non HOA-members who live in normal houses and neighborhoods - and today there was some right in front of my door step. Now, seeing that you all put your best foot forward by welcoming us to the neighborhood, we're going to assume that wasn't on purpose. Or maybe that a giant stray cat just happened to wander by and choose that locale as the perfect place to leave a little present for us. Or an old homeless man who decided that would be the perfect place to cop a squat - out in the open in the frigid rain with 15 people watching. Or maybe it's just that you're so old and decrepit that you couldn't be bothered to walk the 10 feet across the street from my house to the dog feces receptacle that has plastic bags affixed to it for just such occasions. After all, I'm sure I have some sort of HOA-decreed moral duty to help those elderly neighbors who can be bothered to have annoying pipsqueak dogs that torment my babies endlessly, but not to pick up the sh*t of their own dogs. My bad. How selfish of me.

Also, when a legitimate source tells me that there is a little group of old ladies huddled around the corner from me making fun of my dogs and my small solar garden lights, it also begins to erode my confidence in your good-intentioned neighborliness. You see, on top of busy-bodies, you women are also old biddies who have nothing better to do than try to drag down the new young couple who is using this house as a stepping stone to a better life down the road. How thoughtful of you to concern us with your bitterness. I'm sorry you are all miserable old ladies, but that's not my fault and I've not even talked to you let alone done anything to warrant blatant criticism and official complaints. Good thing you had all that initial good will to fall back on, huh? Oh wait...

I'm guessing none of you listen to the radio unless someone you know is still broadcasting an old HAM radio show that reminds you of the golden ages of your youth, but 99x has been running these neat ads about a company called Big Daddy Spy. You see, Big Daddy Spy provides certain tools that enable you to capture people in illicit actions - or to free them from suspicions according to the commercials - through things such as cell phone tracking and spy cams. Now, I know you don't have cell phones - again with all this technology, right!? - but you sure do walk around in front of my house a lot. And guess what, according to aforementioned HOA stipulations I can have 2 potted plants on my front stoop. What a perfect place to put a spy cam to catch those neighbors performing their dastardly deeds in front of my entrance way.

Said device may just be the ticket to wishing me, my family, and you - my neighborhood - a very merry early holiday season... free of feces!

Sincerely Yours,
Prudence