Amazing

Amazing cartoon from the AJC's Mike Luckovich. Especially considering my great love for Eeyore. And the typical poor quality of anything in the AJC. Thanks Luckovich for providing one redeeming element to our illustrious paper.

Did I mention I'm having breakfast with Eeyore on my birthday? That's right, a very live human dressed up in an Eeyore suit who can sign my stuffed animal and Eeyore pajamas. I kid about the pajamas... maybe... Also, this is assuming Disney doesn't crap out on me and give Eeyore the day off... or that he's "sick." After all it is my birthday we're talking about. *Oh bother.*

Success!

I typically do not boast about domestic endeavors for two reasons:

1.) My domestic achievements are not that great in the big scheme of life - no where approaching where they would be in my ideal world. (Largely due to lack of time.)

2.) I have an incredibly complex view of domesticity. I think it is important, necessary, and worthy work. I greatly respect women - and men - who do it well. However, these other women who cite their big "achievements" throughout their "busy" days make me want to hurl a brick at them. These are the women who stay at home with their only child and barely manage to keep the house clean and walk the dog let alone prepare gourmet meals or other high quality projects. These women also feel the need to broadcast their meal schedule, workout schedule, cleaning schedule, and errand-running schedule on Facebook with updates every 15 minutes. Really? I would love to get some of these women alone in a room and explain to them what real work is like. And how some of us can't even begin to think about what's for dinner until after 6pm. That's right - typically not until AFTER my husband gets home from work. Shocking, I know. What a bad wife I am. Especially after having worked all day myself - at a REAL job - too. I clearly do not care about my family's well being.

However, this weekend I had three domestic achievements that I am actually proud of. First, I made some lemon cupcakes with a light vanilla butter cream frosting from scratch. This typically would not be cause for pride in my book because I love baking from scratch and refuse to use boxed mixes for anything unless I'm in a brownie pinch at the last minute, but lemon cake absolutely disgusts me. And it happens to be the favorite of my husband and his mother. So, since it was her birthday, I decided to go on a quest to find a good lemon cupcake recipe that didn't make me want to vomit upon first bite. Leave it to Martha's cupcake book - there was a perfect recipe! The cupcakes were light, moist, and delicious with just a hint of lemon for some nice refreshing citrus flavor. I also found a butter cream recipe elsewhere on Martha's site that took about half the butter of typical ones. Still very rich, but when applied in a very thin layer absolutely delicious. And further counteracted the lemon flavor. I also think it helped that we got the lemons from Fresh Market which always has the best produce. It's the only store outside of Brooks Brothers, Crate and Barrel, or high end purse designers that I actually enjoy visiting... and at which I willingly part with my money. So, the cupcakes were a success.

Second, I finally repaired our couch cushions that the dogs tried to destroy about 6 weeks ago. Now, it took some creativity to repair the zipper that was torn through the center of some of the teeth, but after breaking one zipper head and tearing apart an old pair of jeans to get a strong metal zipper head I managed to do it without having to replace the entire zipper (which was something I don't really have the skill to do. Granted, I could always learn and plan to, but didn't want to exert that effort at this time.) I also sewed up a hole around the base of a zipper on the other cushion that looks like it will hold just fine. So, after an hour or two of trial and error, we finally have our couch back! It was nice to actually be able to sit next to my husband and watch some TV last night instead of sitting across the room from each other like strangers. It was even better to save the $200 it probably would have cost to have someone fix it. Overall, I was very pleased with the situation.

Third, I spent about 4 hours finally unpacking and trying to organize the office. Woo hoo! We can actually see the wall because I put away about 10 boxes of books and was then able to move all the boxes of Christmas decorations and remaining boxes of books into the closet. Once we get the spare bed put together tonight it might actually look like someone lives there instead of looking like someone is getting ready to move out. Or that the biggest room in our entire house has been set up as a permanent storage facility. Bring on the holiday guests!

Sorry for the lack of whit in this post, but I just wanted to share because these things have been hanging over my head and I'm so happy that they all worked out! I also have not really looked at the news today causing me to generally be in good spirits. I expect that to last all of about 30 more minutes, but I figured I'd take advantage of while I could.

The Week of Letters: Today, Entertainment

Dear Wall Street Journal,

I faithfully read and enjoy your paper. I think it is one of the few remaining journalistic endeavors that actually requires its writers to be able to put together a sentence more complex and eloquent than "See Spot run." I enjoy your financial analyses - especially regarding the financial crisis. I couldn't get through the end of my week without Henninger and Noonan. Evan Newmark expresses 90% of my inner hostility to the masses.Your Real Estate section makes me drool with house designing envy and your Life and Style section always provides interesting insights.

So, when I saw that you had launched the "Speakeasy" entertainment and culture blog I was ecstatic. No more embarrassing trips down the TMZ road I thought. No more having to stoop down to New York Times reviews. No more messy and inaccurate Drudge Report posted articles from the UK. I imagined I would be able to combine my high interest in television and film (and all the messy gossip revolving around them) with tasteful writing and thoughtful analysis. I assumed you would pick some bright up-and-coming writers who actually enjoy entertainment to write these pieces. I was wrong.

So wrong that I perpetually deceive myself into thinking that I will enjoy the recaps of my favorite shows only to read the article and think, "Wow, did you even bother to watch this episode... without the distraction of your European boyfriend drizzling hot Swiss chocolate all over your face to 'improve the mood of boorish American television?'" Or, maybe detract yourself enough from your dissertation on the lack of whit in Woody Allen films to realize that television is actually supposed to be enjoyed? Despite popular belief, it does do more than rot one's brain. Actually, I'm fairly confident no "brain-rotting" actually occurs.... certainly far less than reading the editorial page of The New York Times.

Now, I am a firm believer in criticism. I don't think that something should be deemed "good" that clearly is not. However, these writers do not even depict the events of the shows accurately which is typically a pre-requisite to critiquing an event. Sadly this trend has crossed mediums in this country and is now the rampant form of expression: pre-forumlated criticisms based on your own views regardless of circumstances or facts. Empiricism is sadly dying, but the arts (including banal television) should not be a place where such lack of regard is EVER applied. It's a disservice to readers and the atrocious writing is a disservice to your distinguished publication.

I hope you sincerely take my criticisms under advisement and proceed to rectify the situation at Speakeasy. It can only help to improve the blog itself as well as the goal of you becoming a more broadly encompassing paper of high quality.

Best Regards,
Prudence

A Wonderful Day in the Neighborhood!

Dear Neighbors,

Thank you so much for our warm welcome to the neighborhood! It's been so great to know that we have friendly neighbors who are genuinely nice people who care about one another enough to leave each other alone in their proper spheres. What a relief! We all know how busy-bodies are my biggest pet peeve on the planet next to stupid people, so all my fears have been alleviated.

Well, except for one or two things. You see, ever since we moved in there has been an ever-growing amount of dog feces left on the common green space - otherwise known as a yard to non HOA-members who live in normal houses and neighborhoods - and today there was some right in front of my door step. Now, seeing that you all put your best foot forward by welcoming us to the neighborhood, we're going to assume that wasn't on purpose. Or maybe that a giant stray cat just happened to wander by and choose that locale as the perfect place to leave a little present for us. Or an old homeless man who decided that would be the perfect place to cop a squat - out in the open in the frigid rain with 15 people watching. Or maybe it's just that you're so old and decrepit that you couldn't be bothered to walk the 10 feet across the street from my house to the dog feces receptacle that has plastic bags affixed to it for just such occasions. After all, I'm sure I have some sort of HOA-decreed moral duty to help those elderly neighbors who can be bothered to have annoying pipsqueak dogs that torment my babies endlessly, but not to pick up the sh*t of their own dogs. My bad. How selfish of me.

Also, when a legitimate source tells me that there is a little group of old ladies huddled around the corner from me making fun of my dogs and my small solar garden lights, it also begins to erode my confidence in your good-intentioned neighborliness. You see, on top of busy-bodies, you women are also old biddies who have nothing better to do than try to drag down the new young couple who is using this house as a stepping stone to a better life down the road. How thoughtful of you to concern us with your bitterness. I'm sorry you are all miserable old ladies, but that's not my fault and I've not even talked to you let alone done anything to warrant blatant criticism and official complaints. Good thing you had all that initial good will to fall back on, huh? Oh wait...

I'm guessing none of you listen to the radio unless someone you know is still broadcasting an old HAM radio show that reminds you of the golden ages of your youth, but 99x has been running these neat ads about a company called Big Daddy Spy. You see, Big Daddy Spy provides certain tools that enable you to capture people in illicit actions - or to free them from suspicions according to the commercials - through things such as cell phone tracking and spy cams. Now, I know you don't have cell phones - again with all this technology, right!? - but you sure do walk around in front of my house a lot. And guess what, according to aforementioned HOA stipulations I can have 2 potted plants on my front stoop. What a perfect place to put a spy cam to catch those neighbors performing their dastardly deeds in front of my entrance way.

Said device may just be the ticket to wishing me, my family, and you - my neighborhood - a very merry early holiday season... free of feces!

Sincerely Yours,
Prudence

Warning: May Cause Vivid Dreams

Dear Loestrin,

I recently switched to you in hopes of reducing some crummy side-effects I had with your cousin Yasmin. While thus far those pesky side-effects have disappeared, you forgot to mention the DREAMS. You see, last night I had two rather vivid dreams involving one of my aunts who apparently is in love with all things ancient Greek - who knew? - and then a slightly more disturbing one. Apparently I decided that I was just so upset/sad with life that it was time to end it. But, due to the pathetic state of my existence, I went down to the kitchen to grab a giant butcher's knife only to find it too dull to actually puncture skin without a terrible amount of effort. It also had a rust spot on it - Heaven forbid that if the hacking away at my own wrist didn't work I'd be left alive with a ragged scar AND potentially tetanus. This did not sit well with my dream-induced depressed self, so I just stared at this knife for a while and then was mentally awake in a cave where I was so completely disturbed by the events that I could not move. Until my husband woke up and set the dogs on me. So, thanks Loestrin for that vivid dream that has convinced my husband that I am subconsciously suicidal. I'm not, no worries... although I'm a little worried about sleep walking during one of these states and tumbling down the stairs. You certainly weren't kidding when you listed "vivid dreams" among your side effects now were you?

I just thought you should know that this is some crazy sh*t you've got going on with yourself. And for any of those people who might be interested in psychedelic drugs such as mushrooms or ecstasy - no need, just take some estrogen pills and you'll never have to worry about an evening trip ever again!

Frightfully Yours,
Prudence

Uncanny: Holiday Design Don't #1

Since the first day of fall - September 22 - I have felt justified in beginning my holiday planning. To start this planning of right, I of course had to check out all the upcoming holiday merchandise online. Some retailers had not yet embraced Christmas in September much to my dismay, but Halloween filled a few gaps until my Oct. 1 Christmas paraphernalia buying deadline was lifted. After all, this year I have an entire HOUSE to decorate. Including the outside! Well... assuming our HOA will approve any of our decorations. I'm about to war with them about some stupid rules that never actually appear to be enforced except against us, so we'll see what happens.

Regardless, I'm almost trembling with excitement and anticipation of all the Christmas glory that will transcend upon my house. Assuming the dogs don't eat it first... I'm working on solutions to that though. Including boarding them for the entire month of December... I kid... kind of. Once they're sufficiently gated out of festive areas all I need is a new Christmas tree for the living room, some (pine) garland and lights for the railing and I'm ready to go. And the props for my North Pole Scene that is going to be outrageously decorated for the delight of my next door neighbors just in case they're the ones who reported our two 5-inch tall, solar powered mini walkway lights to the HOA. See, they can't tell us how to decorate the backyard... only prevent us from letting our dogs go out there unleashed. I'm guessing there will be an amendment added after my Christmas scene is set up. Nothing like a 5-foot tall inflatable reindeer to bring about good neighborly cheer.

In the midst of my holiday scheming, I came across these little guys on the Pottery Barn website and all I could was shake my head and try not to burst out in hysterical laughter.


You see, these cute little Woodland Creature Candles draw an amazing resemblance to the Woodland Critters in South Park's infamous Woodland Critter Christmas episode. If you have seen this episode - which I cannot recommend to anyone who actually likes Christmas unless their festive affairs were ruined by something, then it's perfect! - you understand why cute little woodland creatures cannot under any circumstances be brought into your home's holiday fold. After all, they are evil. Very evil. So quintessentially evil that Santa has to blow their brains out. (Seriously.)

Stan stunned by what the creatures are telling him.

So, Pottery Barn, maybe you should take time to actually look at the world around you. It might improve your sales efforts. Unless your goal was to make these little guys in hope of South Park fanatics buying them by the truck load and thinking of different ways to obliterate them graphically at Festivus parties throughout America. Because that's all that is going to be achieved unless someone unknowingly purchases them and invites a South Park fan over. That could get messy.

Ad hoc exorcism

My good old alma mater is at it again. This radio interview outlining the events of an alleged exorcism on my former college campus is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard in my life... which is saying a lot. The Campus Carrier newspaper adds some perspective in this article. To be fair, this is in no way the College's doing. HOWEVER, this kid was not immediately removed as a Resident Assistant or WinShape leader. He was one of only three RAs in his building up on Mountain Campus which is an isolated 3 miles away from main campus. Part of his job is to assure the safety and well-being of his residents. Performing an ad hoc exorcism [because we've all dreamed of uttering that phrase...] does not seem to be in the best interest of the poor exorcisee. Now, I am not contesting that the exorcisee had some major issues. I do not know either of these people and am willing to bet that this individual was very troubled. Many people are. Yet, you don't see other RA's - even at private Christian colleges - running around performing exorcisms randomly at a Monday evening prayer meeting. Or whatever they were holding in that room. For all I know it was just an orgy gone awry. You never know with those Pilgrim boys and their harem of "innocent" Christian girls.

Suppositions aside, this kid is out of his mind. So, to you, Nathan Mallory I invite you to enter Prudence's Introduction to Real Life. It's a short 8 week course - much like the internship you probably didn't take... er, weren't qualified for... so you could go to India and view all these exorcisms that made you an "expert." The course prepares you for the reality of life outside of Berry, and for Heaven's sake - WinShape's - protective bounds. See you might be surprised to learn that graduating from an institution of higher learning and entering the American workforce is not all that akin to living on the streets of Mumbai. Not that there is no overlap, but I'm betting the likes of one such as yourself will not experience those. And, while you are the self-proclaimed Berry student that has a "100% better view of reality outside the Bubble than anyone else at Berry"* your recent actions and, dare I say, rhetoric with the abysmal state of your writing (obviously you did not receive the benefits of my tutelage in the Writing Center) only illustrate you to be bat shit insane. Not filled with the spirit or spiritually wise. Just crazy. And potentially harmful. Ideologues can be harmful in multiple ways and you sir appear to be nearing the brink. Extremism comes to mind when listening to your zealous interview. Lucky for you, I'm willing to show you how the world really works. It will include such scintillating lessons as:

1. How to interact with other people without making them run at you with a pitchfork... that they had to run out to their grandparents' barn in the country to retrieve and then hunt you down again to chase you out of town with it.
2. How to lead a normal Bible study or prayer meeting that is full of depth and spirit, but lacking crazy exorcisms and unsound theological indoctrinations
3. How to give a radio interview that doesn't make you sound like an aspiring cult leader
4. How to behave as if you received an elite liberal arts education, not a second rate religious diatribe that is merely sanctioned by your presence at the college.
   
5. Basic writing, spelling, and grammar. How you passed Rhetoric and Writing 101 and 102 with the style presented in that Viking Fusion forum is beyond me.
   
6. A live "throw you out into the street and make you find a normal job and befriend a non-Christian - not with the sole intent of converting him or her." Woo boy. That will be fun to watch!
7. Supplemental instruction as needed upon evaluation.
   

And to you, Berry College Administration including the illustrious Dean Heida, take a moral stand. This kind of behavior is not acceptable. It's going without punishment is even worse. I'm glad to see that after this situation finally began gaining media attraction that he was suspended from his RA duties. But he should have been IMMEDIATELY. This is not an issue of religious tolerance. This only reflects the image of your institution and one I would think that should be unpopular for those charged with presenting an image of a venerable institution of higher learning. Thankfully his official duties have been suspended, but the WinShape director refuses to even comment on the events. Again, NOT OKAY.

Maybe Berry College, you should focus on aspects such as providing your students with the best education you can and recruiting the best and brightest students available instead of pandering to the whims of Chick-fil-a to get money. Although, to be fair, our wonderful Founder whose birthday is this weekend saw no shame in such tactics. At least she markedly improved the school while she was at it.

*Before much attention was placed on this situation, Mr. Mallory had responded to an article about the new mandatory on-campus housing where he provided an atrociously written response to the situation and claimed that since he lived up at WinShape he was impartial and that because he had seen life outside of the Berry Bubble that he was an expert in reality (I assume he meant his trip to India, but cannot verify this.) The comments have since been disabled by those not registered on the site. Here is an excerpt I copied (and obviously did not edit) before it was removed from search archives:

Posted by Nathan Mallory on Jan 28th, 2009

There's not much left to be said, but I feel that as a Winshape student, I am paricularly unbiased, as I must live in Pilgrim. I feel that the "Berry Bubble" as a common phrase says wonders about this campus, both positive and negative. I find Berry to ba a beautiful campus filled with mostly upperclass whites spoonfed by their rich parents. They seem to be predominately Christian and totally ignorant of how the real world works. (I admit I'm on a soap box, but I can say with 100% certainty that I do know more about this "real world" than anyone I have met here.) For those of us who have had real world experiences, this perspective makes Berry seem surreal. Students may be laerning academically, but they are being fooled when it comes to street sense, or just plain real world experience.

I'm a Christian, and I hurt for whoever commented above me, and I feel that it is not at all right to force students to live on campus if they choose not to. Let's try to model the campus as a microcosm of America, that making the most sense because we will live and work here (probably). America grants liberty and equal rights to everyone, so let's not discriminate and call it the "Christian" thing to do. But at the same time, let this campus also not become a tyranny of the majority, as slavery was for Abraham Lincoln. Just because a majority of students want something, it should not be handed to them on a silver platter. Smoking hookas, drinking responsibly, and living on campus should be up to the students, or adults, to use or abuse, as none of these things are inherintly wrong.

This is obviously more about money than what is right or wrong, and God will not bless a desision based on monetary gain rather than the good of the students. Also, it's not the most efficient strategy. Why not lower tuition and grant more freedom if your goal is to bring in more students? Berry needs to try and compete WITH the reccesion, rather than against it. Strongly market that! Stress the fact that your "Bursting the Berry Bubble" in order to create a more diverse, cultured,real world experienced campus, rather than some surreal forest community! I'm a transfer student, and I LOVE Berry more than anywhere I've been, but it's not perfect! This is actually the only problem I have with Berry at all... Other than the turon-attracting, over-populated deer.