Etiquette and Common Sense

I absolutely love etiquette - complete with all the seemingly ridiculous rules and observances. When Judith Martin, AKA Miss Manners, received the National Humanities Medal in 2005 I was ecstatic. (It helped that my internship for that summer was directly involved in the process of choosing the medal recipients... not that I had anything to do with the actual choice, but I got to see the process unfold first-hand which made it all the more interesting.) I was glad that the President of the United States wanted to recognize the role that etiquette has... or at least should have... in society.

The rules of etiquette are designed to help foster appropriate societal relationships between people who otherwise come from disparate locations, backgrounds (including gender, culture, religion), and professions. And, while etiquette is often viewed to be only used by "upper classes" to further sequester themselves from the masses (or old stodgy people), there is no reason for that to be the case. Rules of etiquette, if espoused and followed properly, create a wonderful environment for people to converse, conduct business, and attend social or professional functions. Why? Because those rules tell you how to behave. It's shocking how many people just do not understand basic social graces. I'm not saying I'm anywhere near perfect in this area because I certainly make blunders on a regular basis, but there remain many rules of etiquette that are simply common sense. Most modern rules of etiquette (including those for the internet, email, and social media) follow this model.

For example, saying thank you, avoiding contentious political discussions in environments not intended to be combative or argumentative, giving your seat to an elderly person on mass transit, not chewing with your mouth open, or restraining your loud or misbehaving child in public. These examples may not tell you how to properly set a table for a formal dinner, address a wedding invitation, or what is an appropriate season to wear a particular color, but when performed they clearly provide a sense of respect and dignity to both issuers and the recipients.

This a topic upon which many volumes are written. Emily Post's writings are wonderful and span all ages and sub-categories of etiquette (I include not just the original writings, but anything that is affiliated with her.) I am seriously considering gifting her (or her affiliates') books for future baby shower or wedding gifts. (Not to everyone... I know plenty of people that have wonderful registries because they followed both registry etiquette guides and made prudent decisions regarding their needs and wants. Props to them!) However, lately I have noticed a terrible trend in both baby and wedding registries: Registering for personal items. How personal you might ask? About as personal as one can get... nursing pads, toilet bowl brushes (not the decorative cans one might place one in, but the actual brushes themselves), medications... I could make some lewd comments, but will refrain.

Why does this bother me so much that I've decided to write a blog entry about it?

Because it exemplifies how far removed so many people are from appropriate behavior. Granted, weddings/commitment ceremonies, births, house warming parties, and birthdays are all personal events. They are in fact some of the few occasions when it is warranted to actually be selfish. However, that selfishness should never spill over to a gift registry itself. A rule of thumb: If you would be embarrassed to open the gift in front of all your family and friends (or maybe more importantly if they would be embarrassed to watch you open in), then DO NOT REGISTER FOR IT. And, if those personal items are what you truly need the most, then discretely request gift cards to a store that carries them. No one will know what you spend that gift card on, and even if you don't get enough gift cards and cash to cover the difference, then bring back a more superfluous item. You can't tell me that your baby needs the frilly little $30-$50 dress that will only be ruined within the hour of dressing her. Or that all will be lost if you don't have 3 chips and dip trays for all the parties you plan to host but will never get around to anyway in the first 6 months you're married because you're too busy learning how to live with someone else and get your life organized.

Personally, I struggle with Thank You notes probably the most out of any common etiquette item. It's not that I'm not thankful... very much the opposite. It's that I feel like thank you notes are often shallow and disconnected from the true feelings of gratitude I have despite my best efforts to communicate them. I am incredibly thankful for the One Year Rule (stating that you have 1 year following a major event to write the thank you notes.) That time frame still makes me nervous, but I'm glad I'm not yet black-listed because I have not sent out all my June wedding thank you notes yet (although I remain determined to have them done by December 31.)

And, while I understand that most people are not going to devote their coveted personal time writing to Miss Manners or reading Emily Post, there are certain general etiquette rules to live by. They typically revolve around being courteous and respectful (of people, situations, and objects.) This can be easier said than done, which is why patience is always a virtue and why good intentions do still matter although certainly don't ever eclipse actual words or actions. Yet, if seriously entertained will make life more pleasant and will show people that you do truly care about them and their lives (even if mistakes do still occur.)

So, even if common sense and its accompanying etiquette no longer rules the day, it should in many circumstances. And please don't ask me (or anyone else for that matter) to buy your personal products for you... unless you want an etiquette guide instead.