And I Thought the House Situation Was Bad

There are very few moments when I wish I had an aptitude for poetry. This is one of them. How fun it would be to cleverly and poetically demonize these people so adversely affecting my life in verse. Alas, I do not have a poetic bone in my body. It just seems like poetry and opera are two mediums that can adequately express the complete horror, demoralization, and tragedy of the situation.

Now, I'm being intentionally vague as I do not know all the people who actually read this and no use putting myself back in the hot water that I appear to have been slightly pulled out of. Not by much, but I appear to no longer be in a direct line of fire unlike last week. How sad is my life when not being in line for direct physical attack is "looking on the bright side?" But that's what it has become. You see there were certain acts committed by a person distantly close to me that have rained their destruction down on me personally and my husband. Because we insisted that the truth be provided and appropriate actions taken as a result. Well, this little confrontation ended up in our degradation for reasons such as: "It's none of our business." "We're too young to understand." "Child-rearing is not a perfect science." "Women have no place or say in this." "You have to respect this person." "You're tearing this [relationship unit] apart." Etc.

And through it all, perhaps the worst thing for me is that I never truly knew people could be this horrible. Not in real life. Or rather, not in my real life. Anyone who has a modicum of historical literacy understands that maniacal bastards have been tormenting people for thousands of years. However, it's nice to think we live in a civilized society and that people - especially those who cling to what they espouse to be Christian morals and beliefs ought to at least try to embrace this civilization. Well, they should, but the people in question most certainly have chosen a different path. And then used their "morals" to condemn us.

My complete shock is in no way adequately expressed here. I have been left speechless with it - and if you know me, that's quite the feat. I don't know how to respond. I don't know how to even go on with my daily life knowing that such horrible people exist and for a time were very close to me. Thankfully it was a very short period of time and I was always wary of their behavior anyway. But still, these people are alive and breathing down destruction with every move they make. It's completely put me on edge to a degree I might have to go on anti-anxiety meds because I just can't deal anymore. Which is - again - saying a lot.

In some ways it's probably good that we bought a house or I would already be packed and gone - off trying to find a new life. Now, I would go first and let my husband unwind stuff here so he could then join me, but we honestly can't swing it despite that being what we both want more than just about anything right now. I almost went to stay with my family is the frozen north this week, which I wish had happened because then I'd be snowed in indefinitely. But I didn't because plane tickets were absurdly expensive. So, I'm stuck here all by myself while my husband travels for work and it sucks. I've dealt with varying stages of depression for most of my life, but no bad event, circumstance, or decision ever truly shook my core world view. This has and I don't know where to go from here because I clearly can't continue with life as usual or it will smother me to death. I spend most of my days fighting the urge to either throw up at my desk or run away screaming down the hall. I'm incredibly afraid I'll get into a car accident or tumble down the stairs because I am so out of it. I haven't even been able to decorate my new Christmas tree correctly...despite having A Charlie Brown Christmas on in the background. That's how upset I am.

These bastards screwed with Christmas. That is going too far.

Yet, I have no recourse. The one upside is that we decided to go church on Sunday for the first time in over a year. We've been trying to go back for a long time and it's just very hard for me due to some bad experiences in the past. However, I feel that it's important and a good place to be. Especially now. And it was. I'm not sure if I've ever heard a sermon that spoke more my current situation or reaffirmed my faith and values more. That was certainly comforting. Strength in the Lord alone indeed.

So I have no idea where to go from here. We have an exit strategy in the slightly foreseeable future (if you consider 3-4 years foreseeable...) but even that is pretty shaky at the moment. At least Chelsea Handler's new book is being released in March. With that kind of humor in print, life can't be all bad can it? I sure hope not... Meanwhile, I'll be trying to rediscover some hope in the world or just suffocate. Whichever happens first.